5 Bits Of Relationship Advice To The Singles!!!
wisdom that my married self would like to tell my
single self (if she would able to read the Future Frisky
and learn a few things):
1.
The right guy isn't going to see you as a liability. All
of us carry around reasons in our head for why no one
should ever love us, date us, or marry us. We do this
whether we're single or coupled or, heck, maybe even
married. Some of the reasons are wounds from our
childhood, some are wounds from past relationships,
and some are wounds from our own neuroses. One of
the reasons I knew Kale was right for me was that every
time I shared something new that I worried might scare
him off, it actually made us closer. Nothing scared him
off. There's a huge amount of trust involved in telling
someone about your s*xual preferences, or family's
alcoholism and drug addiction, or your student loan
debt, and them not only sticking around but saying, "I
still like you — hey, I think I like you even more
because you handle your shit!" The payoff for your
vulnerability is that you are bonded to someone who
knows everything about you, including the deep dark
stuff you hide in the corners. True acceptance is really
the cornerstone of love and makes the relationship
strong.
2. Men who insist on you being really "feminine"
oftentimes really just want you to be weak. Be wary of
men who complain about women not being "feminine"
enough and especially wary of men who want you to be
more "feminine." They might couch it by saying they
wish you wore more dresses (or more makeup, or
whatever) but I've come to the conclusion these sorts of
men really want you to be weak. They don't actually
care whether you wear a dress or not. They care that
you don't threaten them. Some guys see femininity as
weakness or passivity and they want you to display it as
proof. But the right guy will make you feel really
feminine if you yourself feel really feminine. You
won't feel the obligation to put on eyeliner, or
something, to play act at femininity as a twisted, f**ked
up performance for him.
3. You are kinda involved in the other person's family,
too. I didn't realize while I was dating how much a
person's family and family problems impact their
relationship. This is especially true for men who refuse
to acknowledge or deal with their problems with a
therapist. I dated guys who had bad divorces and messy
relationships with their exes. I dated guys with severe
mommy issues and guys with severe daddy issues. I
dated guys whose parents were unfaithful and torn
apart, or on the brink of splitting up, and they had a lot
of resentment and fear. When I was dating these guys, I
reluctantly accepted that their family's shit was stuff I
was going to have to deal with, even though sometimes
it was stuff that brought me a lot of anxiety (like the ex
with the messy divorce). I also reluctantly accepted that
these guys were so justifiably hurt, angry and resentful,
but refused to examine their feelings. That's just the
way it is, I thought. I'm glad that I ended these
relationships when I did because the breakups came as a
huge relief. So the opposite side of the coin for what I
just wrote in #1 is true as well: you won't see the right
guy as a liability, either.
4. Trying to help other people help themselves rarely
works. For better or for worse, I am the Queen Of
Adopting Wounded Birds. I have a lot of concern and
empathy for people I care about, so I try to help solve
their problems when I genuinely think I can help.
Sounds nice, right? Noble, even. Well, not really — in
fact, some people find that dynamic downright
annoying and almost everyone doesn't want help. They
want to do things themselves (except — spoiler alert!
— oftentimes they don't want to do jack shit). Overall,
I wish I had gotten less involved in other people's
mental health shit. I do genuinely believe that certain
ex-boyfriends could have benefitted from seeing a
therapist, or in one case, perhaps even going on anti-
anxiety medication. But it's not my place to try to get
anyone to do anything they don't want to do. All you
can do is convey your needs and fears to someone; they
will do with that information what they choose. You're
just a passenger along for the ride.
5. Don't settle. Really, don't. "I can do better than this"
is toxic for a relationship. It's toxic to the person
feeling it and it's toxic for the other person. We should
all be partnered, for the short-term and the long-term,
for people who we feel just right about being with.
Don't stay with someone who you see as a liability;
don't be with someone who you think isn't good
enough for you.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.
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