out at home, there's no escaping these nagging
questions that relatives or family friends feel compelled
or even entitled to ask within five minutes of walking
through the front door. While it's hard not to bristle
and then throw out a sarcastic remark, there are better
ways to handle these aggravating moments.
COLUMN: How To Happily Breeze Past Negative
People
Whether your man hasn't popped the question yet or
you're in between jobs, here's how to cope with those
annoying questions we're all faced with when we head
home for the holidays:
1. "When are you finally getting married?"
There's nothing quite like being asked this question in
front of the entire holiday gathering or worse, right in
front of your boyfriend. Can you say awkward? This
question really hits a nerve if you yourself are
wondering when the heck your guy is going to propose
(grrr).
How to handle it: It's all-too-easy to blow up at the
nosy person asking you about your marital plans. Take
the high road rather than tossing out a sarcastic
comment that will make the next six hours go by
painfully slowly.
2. "When are you giving us grandkids?"
When you got married, you probably thought you'd be
off the hook when it came to those irritating questions
you faced at holiday gatherings, but nope—almost
immediately after you say, "I do," parents and other
family members start to hint and then harp about when
you're having children.
How to handle it: If you're trying to conceive (whether
or not you and your partner have been struggling with
infertility) and feel like sharing, you can just say,
"We're trying" with a smile and leave it at that. It's
really no one else's business but yours. "Your answer
could be, 'I don't know' or 'you'll be the first to
know' and then change the subject," suggests
psychologist and life coach Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. "You
don't want to get into 'why are you always asking
that?' which will make everyone around you
uncomfortable."
Not yet ready to be a parent? Kubiak recommends
saying: "We need some time together as a couple. Once
we have children, we will be parents for the rest of our
lives, so we want to make sure we're ready to do that."
Or you may have financial issues or life goals you want
to reach before becoming a parent. In that case, you can
explain that you want to hold off until your partner
finishes school or you get a promotion so you're in a
better position financially, suggests Kubiak. Both are
situations that are hard to argue with.
3. "When are you getting a real job/promoted?"
Anyone who has ever pursued a less-than-stable career
(actors, musicians, tightrope-walkers) much to the
chagrin of their family has been hit with the "get a real
job" jab—and if they're not saying it out loud, they're
probably thinking it. Even though the question is
incredibly poorly worded, it usually comes from a place
of concern.
How to handle it: If you're being badgered about a
promotion that hasn't come yet or a lackluster job,
focus on the positives. "A lot of people are unemployed
now," says Kubiak. "I'd say, 'As you know, this is a
very challenging job situation, and I'm just very
thankful that I do have a job. It's not an ideal one, but
it's always easier to look for a job when you're in one.
I'm trying to do the best job I can and am keeping my
eyes open.'"
Pursuing a career you love that's less than lucrative?
Share your game plan. "Provide them with a concrete
plan, such as 'I'm going to try this for two years and if
I can't show that I have some leads in that time, such as
landing a commercial, then I'll start doing other
things,'" suggests Sbarra.
4. "Why don't you eat meat?"
This question can come from two distinctly different
places—either they're truly curious as to what led you
to become a vegetarian or else it's a passive-aggressive
verbal jab from the cook, aka "I slaved in the kitchen
for two solid days and you're not going to eat my
delicious turkey from my beloved grandmother's
recipe?"
How to handle it: Try to judge the hidden meaning. If
the person isn't close to you, they may just want to get
to know you better. In that case, you can simply
respond: "'It's a personal choice I made,'" suggests
Wallin. If they ask you to elaborate, feel free to briefly
share your reasoning. "My response is, 'I don't eat
tortured animals,'" says Sbarra. "But you could say
there are a lot of really good reasons not to eat meat
and if you want me to email you some information I'd
be happy to do so."
5. "Did you gain some weight?"
It doesn't get much ruder than this. The close cousin
(and passive-aggressive version) of this question is:
"Are you sure you should eat that?" This is, of course,
asked just as you're about to dig into your second
helping of apple pie a la mode and within earshot of
everyone at the party. Ugh.
How to handle it: Your first instinct may be to deck the
person instead of decking the halls or say a cutting
remark in return ("Why don't you have another
cocktail, Aunt Sarah—or is the Betty Ford Center
picking you up soon?"). But do you really want to
create a scene that only makes matters worse and
incredibly uncomfortable? We don't think so. Instead,
if you have a healthy dose of self-confidence, laugh it
off. "Humor is always a good way to diffuse the
situation, such as 'Ah, that explains why I was having
trouble fitting into my dress!'" says Kubiak. And then
walk away with your tasty slice of pie. Adds Wallin:
"When you deflect with humor you are taking control
of the situation and cooling it down. It means you don't
have to feel backed into a corner."
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.
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